Have you ever found yourself wondering, does he love me? You are far from alone. Not only do I have personal experience wondering this in various relationships over the years, but my research shows that thousands of us ask the same question every single month. Questions like these–

what are the signs he loves you?

does my boyfriend love me

does my husband really love me

and

signs a man loves you

–show that we women are wondering about these questions in droves. 

And it’s no surprise. Love is one of life’s greatest treasures, something we all seek in earnest. Love is wonderful, and we all desire it. 

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, you will, of course, question what your partner’s feelings are. Hopefully, the two of you have open communication, plenty of trust, and a solid foundation, but these things take time to build. Even if you and your partner have exchanged the three magic words–“I love you”–you may still find you’re not confident that the love is there. This post is for you. 

Does he love me? Does he really love me?

First of all, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I totally understand. It’s scary and confusing to be unsure of your significant other’s love. 

I went through a long period of seeing the signs that my husband Nathan loved me but still being unable to believe him. This was a painful anxiety I dealt with, but I was able to get through it and completely heal from those worries. If that sounds like you, I encourage you to read my post on how to stop needing reassurance in relationships.

The question of “does he love you” or “does he still love me” is one that can arise at any time in a relationship. For most people reading this, it is probably closer to the start of your relationship. Perhaps you’ve been dating a few months and are wondering if love is truly growing between the two of you. Or maybe you’re going on a few years together and fearful that your love may be fading. I think this article will be of help to you, but we’ve got other resources on the site you may find helpful, too. Some of these may especially be helpful if you’re in a long-term relationship and struggling. 

• We’re Not Each Other’s Soulmates and That’s Okay

(a post talking about why ideas like soulmates and “the one” might not necessarily be true or healthy)

• 26 Relationship Myths You Might Still Believe
• 8 Real Relationship Goals Worth Striving For
• Relationship Advice for Couples: 12 Principles for Lasting Relationships
• 9 Signs You’re With the Wrong Person
• Signs He Wants to Marry You

More Than Words

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it is that love is an action more than anything else. Let me repeat that again for those in the back:

Love is an action, more than anything else.

Words are certainly extremely powerful—and I fully believe that couples should share their love in words daily—but actions are even more powerful. Because actions back up what you’re saying with proof. A man who loves you will show it in how he treats you and the choices he makes. 

You’ll notice that, among the 10 signs he loves you I’ve compiled below, I have not included “because he says so.” Anyone can say the words, but those who put real action behind them are the ones truly demonstrating love. 

Early on in your relationship, your partner may be slow to say the words, too. This doesn’t necessarily mean the love isn’t there. It may mean that your partner is very cautious with those words and does not take them lightly. It may mean he has some relationship anxiety and has fear about saying them to you. These are normal ways to feel, and perhaps you feel similarly yourself.

Love IS a big deal. To say “I love you” is a HUGE deal. It doesn’t need to be rushed. 

You may want to be patient if you’re still waiting to hear those words. How long you’re willing to wait is up to you, of course. It took Nathan seven months of our relationship to say it back to me. I was patient. And oh, it was so worth it! 

Of course, if you’re still waiting or wondering, the following 10 signs may allay your fears.

Read Next: How to Stop Overthinking in a relationship

10 Reliable Signs He Loves You

This is not meant to be an exhaustive list. Love is complicated, and everyone shows love in different ways. But, one thing is for sure: if your significant other is putting in effort, this is a good sign. Effort is necessary to give love, to become a better person, and to have a successful relationship.

Ultimately, effort is also a sign of emotional maturity. So the signs below may indicate not just love but an ability and a willingness to build a successful relationship.

He shows you genuine respect.

Respect and love go hand in hand. On its own, respect may not be a clear-cut sign of romantic love, but it should always be present in a loving relationship.

If your partner demonstrates respect for you: your choices, your time, your body, your thoughts, this may be a sign that he values you as more than just a friend. 

A man can show respect in a variety of ways. For example, one of the ways I feel most respected is when I am listened to. When my partner listens to the things I have to say, is willing to be attentive to my problems or even just my general musings, this makes me feel extremely respected. It makes me feel like I am important to him and that there is value in my thoughts and feelings.

He puts you first.

One of the signs a man loves you is when he frequently puts you first. In fact, this may be one of the deepest signs he really loves you. It is truly an act of love and unselfishness to put the needs and happiness of another person first. This is something we should be doing in our relationships all the time, and truth be told, it can be very difficult. 

If your significant other does this for you, whether it be taking care of you when you’re sick, going above and beyond to help you out in some way, or setting aside his own needs to do something for you, this is a strong sign that love is present. 

Read Next: What a Husband Needs from His Wife | What a Wife Needs from Her Husband 

He makes time for you, makes you a priority.

By the same token, a good sign of love is when your partner consistently makes time for you. You should feel confident that you are a priority in his life and in his schedule–not an afterthought.

A loving partner will work hard to incorporate you in his daily/weekly life, even if it’s inconvenient or challenging. He might shuffle his schedule around in order to have a date night with you, stop over to see you on his way to work or class, or even just consistently call you in the evening. These signs of effort are important, and they demonstrate that he cares about you and that you’re an important part of his life. 

He makes efforts to fix relationship problems or to change his behavior for the better.

Every relationship will encounter its share of challenges and problems. Conflict is a normal part of life and a very common element in human relationships. What is important is how the two of you deal with that conflict. 

How does your partner handle relationship issues? Does he constantly push them aside and avoid dealing with them? Maybe he won’t admit it when there are issues? Or perhaps he is unwilling to change any of his behaviors. 

This could be a sign of emotional immaturity, for sure, but it also may indicate that this is not a relationship built on love.

A loving partner will put effort into strengthening and improving a relationship. He’s willing to discuss these issues with you.  He will be willing to make changes in his behavior for the good of the relationship. 

He shows you his vulnerable side.

One of the signs a man loves you is that he occasionally lets you see his vulnerability. He lets you in beyond the external barrier.

This is definitely difficult for a lot of men. Typically, men are not nearly as in touch with their emotions as women are, and they are definitely not usually as comfortable sharing them. 

But a man who loves you becomes more and more likely to give you glimpses into this vulnerable core. This is likely to be a slow process, but when you see signs of him letting you in, it can be a great indication that love is blooming. 

His interest in you is not solely sexual.

This is a big one. Does your significant other demonstrate to you that they are interested in what you offer beyond the bedroom? Relationships often begin with tons of passion and excitement, but this should not be confused with real, genuine love. While that can certainly be part of it, love is usually what grows later, as the initial high starts to fade. That early, passionate physical relationship many couples experience cannot yet be called love, but can be called lust. 

Do the feelings and loving actions continue beyond that initial glow? Is there more to your relationship than the physical? 

Is your partner doing more than the minimum, or is he doing just enough to get you into bed?

These are questions worth examining. When love is truly present, the relationship is more than just a physical one. 

He shows interest in the future with you.

Ah, the future. This can be a scary subject for many couples, and my experience in my 20s showed me that the topic especially scared a lot of twenty-something guys!

But one of the signs he’s in love with you is that these conversations are able to happen, even subtly. 

Now, your boyfriend of a few months probably isn’t ready to talk marriage and kids yet. But someone who loves you (or is on their way to loving you) will include you in their future plans.

This could be subtle mentions. Maybe he talks about vacations you might take someday, or he speaks about an event a few months in the future and includes you in the plan. These are signs that he’s picturing you as part of his future, or actively incorporating you into future plans. 

On the other hand, if your boyfriend doesn’t even want to nail down plans for next weekend… he might not be ready for a loving relationship with you. 

He wants you to feel cared for. 

One thing my husband always says to me is how important it is to him that I am happy. This means the world to me. 

I got this sense from him even when we were first dating, even when he didn’t say it in so many words. I could tell that my feelings mattered deeply to him, and to me, that was one of the most clear-cut signs that he loved me. 

What does your partner show you in this area? Does he clearly prioritize your needs, wants, and desires? Does he go out of his way to do things that will make you happy or make you feel safe? Does he try to make you laugh, to brighten your mood when you’re feeling down? Again, these can be subtle signs, but they often show a deeper love brewing within. 

He introduces you to important people in his life.

Have you met your partner’s parents? What about your boyfriend’s friends? One of the strongest signs your boyfriend loves you can often be this one: does he introduce you to the people he loves? 

There may not be an opportunity to meet the parents if they live far away, but your man can also demonstrate this love by telling them about you. It’s no guarantee of love, but knowing that you’re important enough to be introduced to/mentioned to these people is a telling sign for sure.

He makes you feel good about yourself. 

How can you tell if he loves you? One way is to notice how he makes you feel. I’m not talking about flattery and feeling like a pampered princess. Does your partner make you feel like you are a person of value? Do you feel treasured? Do you feel respected? Do you feel like this person brings out better qualities in you? Makes you want to be a better person? Does he highlight your best aspects?

A loving partner will not make us feel worse about ourselves. He will not make us feel disrespected or unimportant. 

He may not always make us feel amazing, or constantly feel our best, but overall, someone who loves us should make us feel worthy of love.

He Doesn’t Love Me–What Should I Do?

So you’ve read all the signs above and very few apply to your partner. Perhaps none apply. Does this mean he doesn’t love you? Not necessarily. 

If you’re unsure about your partner’s feelings, the best way to get your answer is to just ask him. This might not easy if it’s very early in a relationship, but after a few months together, you should definitely be able to have an honest conversation about your feelings for one another and where this relationship may or may not be going. 

Having a talk with your partner can be very illuminating. If he hasn’t been displaying the signs above, such a talk could potentially wake him up and let him know he’s been slacking. Relationships are a skill. If he’s willing, a partner who wants to put effort in can become a better, more loving partner. In all honesty, we could all afford to be more loving in our relationships. It would not surprise me if you saw in the signs above some advice on how you yourself could better love your partner. 

What if your partner won’t say I love you?

This is a tough situation. If it has been many months or even years and your partner won’t or can’t say I love you, you may need to make a decision. How important is it to you to hear those words? For me (and probably for most of us) it is absolutely necessary. My primary love language is “words of affirmation.” I feel most loved when my husband says he loves me or says other words of love and affection. Without this, I would not feel fulfilled and happy in a relationship. 

If that’s how you feel, you need to talk to your partner about this. It’s fine to be patient–for awhile–but after a significant time together, I’m of the opinion that he should be able to profess his love for you in no uncertain terms. 

What if he doesn’t love me?

If it turns out that your partner doesn’t love you–he won’t say it or show it–my heart goes out to you. Finding out the person you with doesn’t love you is heart-wrenching. I had an experience of my own discovering that my boyfriend of several years was cheating on me and no longer loved me. You can read my story below, plus my best advice for getting through heartbreak. It’s not easy and it takes lots of time, but healing is possible and there’s often something so much better on the other side. 

There are men out there capable of love, I promise you that. And I think you can absolutely find the right one for you. 

 

 

Life becomes more complex as we age, but the benefits that come from having secure connections continue through every phase of life. 

The post The Person Beside You: How Intimate Relationships Shape Our Lives appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

In our world, there are a lot of relationship myths. These are misguided (though perhaps well-intentioned) ideas about love and relationships that our society has grown to accept as truth, spouting them to the next generations as given facts of romantic wisdom. The cycle of these love lies continues on and on, reflected in popular culture and the media.

I’m here to tell you that many of the ideas about relationships out there are absolute crap.

These types of relationship myths can be highly damaging because they are ideas that don’t match up with real people and their real feelings. They are lofty “ideals” that rarely apply in real situations. (Find reliable relationship advice for couples here!)

For instance, let’s start with one of the most pervasive: soulmates.

There’s a revolving idea that each person has one other person they are destined to be with, often called a soulmate. 

Is there just one person for you? Nope. There are a great many potential partners for you out there, and the possibility for you to choose (and have a happy relationship with) any one of them. 

We are in charge of our own paths and destinies. And truth be told, the idea of there being just one person that is your romantic destiny creates unrealistic expectations about partnerships, not to mention generating fear and anxiety about never finding “the one.” More on this later.

I’m especially passionate about debunking ideas surrounding relationship anxiety. Anxiety of this nature is very real and painful, but it is often brushed off with catch-all statements like “doubt means don’t” or “relationships should be easy.”

So you begin to think you always have to be 100% certain and 100% happy for your relationship to be “right.”

Nope, guys. That’s some bad advice there, and we’re going to weed through it.

Ready? Put on your practical hats cause we’re ’bout to get rational.

PS: We have a guide on what we think real love is that you should definitely check out. 

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Relationship Myths to Stop Believing Right Now

1. There’s one person for everyone.

Perhaps the most irritating relationship lie on the market is that there is one person out there for all of us. One person?! Out of billions?! Hell no, y’all.

Nathan and I feel incredibly blessed that we found each other… but not because we are soulmates. While we each feel so lucky to have found another amazing person, we’re not denying that there are other people out there whom we would have been compatible and even happy with. Of course, we don’t like to think of those people, now that we’re together… but the point is, there are many other awesome humans that you could build a relationship and a life with.

Personally. I feel this idea should be a relief. It takes the pressure off, doesn’t it? In our modern world, dating is hard enough; imagine if you had to hold out for that single soul that matched yours. The prospect would be quite overwhelming.

Instead, look for someone who makes you better, who encourages you to to meet your own destiny and your own potential and become the best version of yourself. Find a partner who challenges you, believes in you, and is willing to work to create a solid, lasting future with you.

It may not be destiny, but it’s two people consciously choosing to build a foundation of love and commitment. Isn’t that way more awesome?

2. Doubt means don’t.

Have some nagging doubts about your relationship? While listening to your gut is valuable and legit, there’s also the real possibility that there are other issues at play.

First, we need to distinguish normal worries or anxiety from genuine red flags. Basically, red flags center around abuse, addiction, and other ‘irreconcilable differences.” Read more on the major relationship red flags here.

But other anxieties are often just intrusive thoughts that are coming from a deeper fear within. For instance, you might have a fear such as, “What if I’m settling?” Conventional relationship advice might say, if you feel doubt, get out!

But I believe this is far from the truth. I believe a thought like that is simply a starting place for investigating your fears and your feelings. It’s time to look deeper within and find out what the anxiety is all about. What does settling mean anyway? What’s my real, core fear? 

This leads me to another, similar relationship myth:

3. You need to be “100% sure” when you get married.

Oh gosh, no. Who among us is ever 100% sure about anything? There’s this idea that cold feet are a sign of a problem or that having doubt during your engagement means you shouldn’t get married, but most often, these hesitations and nerves are actually 100% okay.

Making a commitment like marriage is huge. Why wouldn’t it cause you some anxiety? It’s a life-altering, role-shifting, forever-and-ever proposition. Yikes! (Okay, not trying to scare you out of it. Marriage is awesome, I promise!) But the point is that being 100% sure is not at all required to get married. And you should know you’re in the majority if you feel, say, 70% ready before you hit the aisle. Doubt doesn’t always mean don’t.

4. You need to always feel “a spark.”

This is a tough one. We all want to feel love and feel loved. But love and excitement are different things. Love, as it grows, deepens and expands. While the early days of a relationship might involve more fluttery hearts and breathless anticipation, those heartbeats eventually slow down, and you catch your breath once more. The love deepens, but it doesn’t go away.

The key is recognizing the difference. Many people panic when they stop feeling that “spark,” not sensing that it has been replaced by a more profound and more lasting version of love and affection. You can reignite that spark over and over, but there’s no doubt that love changes and grows with us. We must embrace these changes if we want to experience the depth of a long-lasting relationship.

If we continually search for emotional excitement and novelty, we’ll never get to go the distance with someone, and I believe we’re likely to miss out on the best parts of a romantic partnership.

5. You need to have tons of sex to have a good relationship.

This idea has no doubt arisen from society’s overemphasis on sex. You might not agree with me on this point, but I definitely think there’s some misinformation about the importance of the role sex plays in our lives. Porn has perpetuated this (not to mention created some pretty insane expectations about orgasms, men’s sexual prowess, and what women like in bed, just to name a few issues).

Is sex important? Yes.

Is sex important in a romantic relationship? Yes, absolutely.

Can you have a good relationship without lots of sex? Of course.

Sexual needs are going to vary from person to person and relationship to relationship. It’s good to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all prescription for sex. (This seems like a good place to make a joke, but moving on…)

Instead, work with your partner to discover one another’s unique sexual needs and desires. Your sex life will be unique to you two, and what matters is your mutual satisfaction… no external parameters.

Here’s a great article that tackles the topic: Can You Have a Good Relationship Without Sex?

6. Fighting is a sign of a doomed relationship.

Most people today realize that some conflict and disagreement is not only normal but is downright healthy.

This isn’t to say that knock-down-drag-out brawls are indicative of a passionate, happy love story. Rather, it’s about the balance and about ensuring that your conflicts are safe, healthy, and ultimately productive.

The key is fighting fair and fighting right.

This article from the New York Times dates back to 1989, but the truth is very much evident even 30 years on:

“The most fruitful fights… were those in which the partners felt free to be angry with each other, felt they made themselves understood to their partner, and finally came to a resolution involving some degree of compromise. Such fights… give a couple the strong sense that they can weather conflict together.”

It’s worth investing time to learn how to manage conflict productively. Don’t shy away from arguments, but instead turn them into a tool for building a better relationship.

7. Playing hard to get is the best approach.

There’s not much to be said about this one. Why did the mindset of playing it cool grow so popular in dating? Why do we grow more interested in someone if he or she doesn’t act as interested or available? When is cloaking your true feelings ever the best bet? I’ve always believed in being honest and upfront. Emotional availability is important.

Perhaps there is some psychological basis for the idea that “we want what we can’t have,” but in my opinion, straightforwardness and authenticity are always the best approach. Why start your relationship off by playing games?

8. There’s a set timeline for when milestones should occur in a relationship.

It’s 2019. Things have changed. Heck, we even live longer! People aren’t necessarily rushing to marry by age 20 anymore. Marriages are happening statistically later in life (which is reported to correlate to a lower divorce rate, yay!) as people prioritize career and other ventures first. 

But maybe you want to get married at 20 and start a family? You do you!

The point is, there is no standard timeline that people need to follow. The pressure to be engaged, get married, buy a house, and have kids all by a certain age is unnecessary and no doubt contributes to the existential anxiety so many of us feel.

There’s no rush to live life by your standards. We all have our own timeline, and it’s the one that is right for us.

And I should also mention, not every timeline will include all the things. Having children or even getting married aren’t for everyone. And they don’t have to be.

9. Your partner can fulfill all your needs.

Sometimes, we think that being with the right person would be/should be the answer to all our problems. But like anything, there’s no cure-all for our issues. It isn’t losing weight, landing the right job, getting married, or anything of the other things that we wish would magically turn our life around.

Sheesh, life is complicated, isn’t it?

So by the same token, our romantic partner is not designed to meet all our needs and fulfill our every expectation. No one person can do that, and it’s putting an enormous weight on the shoulders of our partner if that’s what we’re asking for.

Your partner will be a lot of things to you, including a friend, but there are also needs you must meet yourself, as well as needs that can be met by your family, your community, your occupation, your hobbies, or your faith/spirituality.

This is good to remember if you’re feeling dissatisfied in your life. When we’re looking to another person to fulfill a need for us, we can tend to project. This can turn into thoughts like “I’m bored in my relationship. Maybe we’re unhappy. Maybe we should break up,” which can spiral out of control into something bigger. But if you recognize a projection, you might discover a deeper truth.

Maybe you’re lacking community and friendship. Perhaps creativity is missing in your days. These are the types of issues that can be projected onto the wrong person, so it’s important to learn how to understand and tend to our own needs.

10. Your partner should complete you.

Dorothy Boyd told Jerry Maguire, “You complete me,” and the collective heart of the late 90s melted.

But that was just a movie. Should we really be looking for someone else to complete us and make us whole?

You guessed it–nope!

You are enough, just as you are. Partners are not designed to complete us because we are already complete and whole in our very beings. So stop looking around for the mythical person who will fix you. Realize and embrace your wholeness just as you are.

That’s not to say that a good partner won’t help to fill in the cracks and dark places in your heart and in your soul. There can absolutely be a healing nature in a committed, loving relationship, but it’s only part of the work that you have to do individually on yourself. 

Read this: Do You Love Me? How to Stop Seeking Reassurance in Relationships

I also admit that there is a unity in a long-term relationship, especially marriage, that is undeniable. After all, if you subscribe to a Christian viewpoint of marriage, two people become one.

But even within that symbolism, there is plenty of room to acknowledge that real love is born of two complete people, who don’t complete one another but complement one another. Perhaps that’s what we mean when we say someone brings out the best in us.

11. In the right relationship, your feelings will never change.

This is patently false. Feelings are, by their very nature, fleeting and changeable. It’s actions and commitment that matter.

Does this mean that one day you’ll suddenly stop loving your partner? That’s highly unlikely. What it does mean, however, is that you are likely to experience periods where you don’t feel in love. Your emotional pull toward your partner might be waning. Yet at other moments, you may feel an emotional rush. This is totally okay.

These ebbs and flows are natural for a long-term relationship, and you shouldn’t panic as your partnership goes through its various stages and transformations.

What matters is to continue to be loving and act in a giving manner. You know the notion that “Love is not a feeling, it’s an action?” This is precisely where this ideology applies.

12. Getting married/having a baby will fix your relationship issues.

Every relationship will go through its tough times and challenges. But don’t be fooled into thinking that making a major life decision will eradicate your problems.

Too often, couples seem to think that a wedding or a baby will change everything for the better, erasing all their issues and propelling the relationship toward happily ever after.

While marriage and children are wonderful parts of life, they should never be looked on as a band-aid for other problems. Not only will these transitions not have the desired effect, in all likelihood, they will only magnify and worsen the issues that are already there.

Instead, work on each step at a time, prioritizing your relationship and seeking to solve major issues before trying to tackle the next big thing.

PS: Don’t be afraid to invest in couple’s therapy. It’s not just a “last resort” for marriages in trouble but a genuine tool that can help couples at all stages of life and relationships. Psychology Today is a good resource for finding a couples counselor in your area.

13. We all love/feel loved in the same way.

One of the biggest issues I see in romantic relationships is not understanding how the other person gives and receives love. This trips up many couples, and it’s not surprising. Nathan and I have experienced it firsthand in our own relationship, and learning about our love languages has been instrumental in making a difference.

According to the bestselling book that coined the phrase, there are a total of 5 Love Languages. Once you know which one(s) your partner speaks, things make so much more sense.

For instance, my major love language is overwhelmingly Words of Affirmation. To me, I feel most loved by hearing or reading words from Nathan telling me about his feelings for me. I also prefer to give love by sharing my own feelings in words.

Yet Nathan receives and gives love naturally in other ways like Quality Time and Physical Touch (read The 5 Love Languages for more on these). He has had to learn how to show me love verbally, and I’ve had to work hard to make sure I’m showing him love in the ways he needs it most.

This is a skill that all couples should acquire to ensure both partners are feeling loved, and all it takes is a bit of effort.

14. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Mmm, this is a tough one. Infidelity is a horrible thing to go through for anyone. (I experienced it in a previous relationship and it really broke my heart).

But, ultimately, I believe people can change, and if a person is truly repentant and wants to salvage the relationship, it can be done. I cannot imagine how hard it is, but there are many incredible stories of couples bouncing back from a cheating incident and growing a deeper, stronger love.

Infidelity is often a culmination of various relationship problems coming to a head. For couples recovering from infidelity, therapy can be instrumental in helping to tackle all issues in a relationship.

Read Next: The Marriage Mistakes You Want to Avoid Making

15. There’s no love like your first love.

I definitely am calling this relationship myth out.

People often romanticize the “first love”, and in truth, these are often very special. But in no way is the love I experienced at 19 even remotely comparable to the love within my marriage.

I think it is important to remember that your first love is typically when you are young and, let’s face it, immature. So while your first romance might have the fireworks and excitement that novelty brings, it’s not wise to compare all other relationships to the first. Don’t put that first love on a pedestal.

As you grow as a human and as a partner, you’ll be gaining deeper insight into yourself and learning more and more what it means to love and commit to another person. This creates sounder relationships that definitely have more depth, and I believe this growth translates into the greatest relationships of your life, especially if both partners are growing and learning side-by-side.

16. The proposal needs to be a surprise, and it needs to be massive.

We’re living in a time when people do things bigger and bigger. It’s the era of the “promposal” when even an invitation to attend the prom needs to be an event!

Videos circulate around the internet showcasing insane proposals on top of buildings, at the bottom of the sea, or in luxurious destinations and situations. Because of this, we’ve largely come to believe that an engagement proposal should be, well, larger than life!

But trust me, this is not the case. This creates a great deal of undue pressure on everyone involved. Your darling isn’t going to say no because your proposal doesn’t include fireworks and live animals. Make it special and romantic, yes, but don’t go broke or crazy trying to create something that’s going to go viral. What matters is the two of you and the moment between you.

That said, proposals don’t necessarily need to be a surprise, either. I’m willing to bet the vast majority of engagements that occur have been discussed and planned prior to the proposal, at least to some degree. This makes sense in a time when couples often live together before engagement/marriage and when it’s increasingly common for both partners to take an equal, vocal role in planning their mutual future.

A proposal doesn’t have to be totally unexpected to be incredible. I knew almost exactly when Nathan was going to propose, but it didn’t make the moment any less beautiful, sweet, and memorable. We got engaged on a hike in Virginia, by the way, with no one around to witness it. We wanted it private and special in that way.

17. And the ring needs to cost approximately 3-4 month’s salary.

Speaking of out-dated notions, there’s an old relationship myth that says a man (or whoever is doing the proposing) should spend the equivalent of 3-4 months’ salary on the engagement ring. Egads!

This means if you’re earning $100,000 per year (which, if you are, congrats, #goals) you’d be meant to drop a cool $21k on that ring.

Do yourself and your future spouse a favor: cut that down by 1/4, and use the rest to fund your next massive expense: the wedding. Or save for your future together.

18. Relationships should be easy.

Should love be easy? Should the right relationship just work? It’s a nice idea, but the reality is that relationships are hard and relationships are work.

Relationships are work because we are human people and we are naturally flawed. And when you put two people together to share a home or a life? There’s bound to be friction.

That means that, quite often, relationships demand effort and require maintenance. Relationships are messy, complicated, and rarely simple.

But just because something is work doesn’t mean it is not incredibly worth it. Anything worth having usually asks difficult things of us; relationships are no different.

But, you may be thinking, wouldn’t things just be easier if I was with the right person?

Spoiler alert: problems in a relationship are not just your partner’s fault. In fact, you’re going to run into the same problems over and over in any relationship because YOU are one-half of the problem. You might have more compatibility with certain people, making some issues easier to deal with, but ultimately, you’re going to bring all your own crap and baggage with you to any romantic relationship.

Accept it, welcome it, and get to work.

Also see: Our 30-Day Relationship Challenge

19. You should want to be together 24/7.

There’s an idea out there that says, if you really love each other, you should be inseparable!

But most of us can readily appreciate that this is far from the truth. There’s so much to be gained and enjoyed during time spent alone or apart. And as they say, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. That’s one cliche that I actually do put stock in, even though I’ve written about how much I dislike being apart!!

Spending time on your own hobbies, with your own friends, or pursuing your own goals is extremely important. Just because you’re in a relationship does not mean you and your S.O. must be attached at the hip. Remain your own person, and you’ll have a lot more to bring to your partnership.

20. You should never feel attracted to anyone but your partner/spouse.

You’re getting married; you’re not dead! 

This is a funny quote, but there’s a lot of truth there. Just because you’re in a long-term relationship or married does not mean your ability to feel attracted to other people is going to shut down.

Nope, you’re still likely to feel attracted to someone else now and then.

21. What matters is what you do with that feeling/attraction. 

Unfortunately, it can be easy to fall into a gray area here or take an attraction to a dangerous place. While you can have feelings of attraction, not acting on them (i.e., not cheating or flirting mercilessly) is the mature step that keeps your relationship in the place of priority.

Speaking of flirting, there are some who think that a touch of harmless flirting can be good for a marriage. This is up to you and your partner to decide, and it’s a good idea to discuss boundaries so there’s no confusion and no one is hurt by flirting behavior, no matter how innocent.

22. Birth control is 100% the woman’s responsibility.

Fortunately, I think that the modern man generally recognizes that birth control is a two-way street. If he doesn’t, ladies, you’ve got some talking to do.

It takes two people to make a baby, so it should take two people to prevent pregnancy.

Birth control is a burden that is physical, emotional, and even financial. Together, you and your partner should look at ways to share that burden. This article offers more guidance on this topic.

23. You should never go to bed angry.

One oft-repeated piece of marriage advice is to “never go to bed angry.” The idea behind this must be that you should settle any disagreements before your heads hit the pillows.

Well, we’ve learned from firsthand experience that sometimes, going to sleep actually solves problems.

Nathan and I mostly tend to argue at night (anyone else?), which likely stems from a combination of tiredness, crankiness, and an inclination for emotions to be a little wackier in the evenings. Hence, when we occasionally fight, it’s almost always pretty late at night, and the fights are rarely rational. Sometimes they’re not even about anything important.

When we stop our conflict to let our minds and hearts rest, we almost always wake up feeling 100% better. Not only is our foolish argument of the night before all but forgotten but we’re also in a far better place to apologize to one another and get back to working as a team.

Sometimes, going to bed angry is curative.

24. Opposites attract.

This relationship myth isn’t necessarily a negative one, but I do think it deserves a closer look.

Couples frequently do form between people who have a lot of elements in opposition, but I’m willing to bet you that statistically, most of these pairs actually do share the most important things in common.

Sure, you can be short when your partner is tall. Maybe you’re an extrovert, and your lover is an introvert. Perhaps one of you is vegetarian while the other can’t get enough meat.

But your compatibility on deeper levels is probably more aligned, meaning you likely connect when it comes to values and goals. Values are a massive part of the core of who we are, and in happy couples, alignment in this area seems to be key.

So, opposites in personality or not, here are the things you should be looking for in a partner. And values are definitely on that list.

25. Marriage should always be 50/50.

Should a marriage or long-term partnership operate constantly on a 50/50 ratio? This is a challenging question.

50/50 is a ratio that makes sense; in a partnership of two, both people contribute equally to the success of the relationship.

And 100/100 makes sense too, with each individual giving 100% of their effort to the partnership.

But life happens. People encounter obstacles, hear bad news, are going through a tough time. Should they still need to give 50 or 100% to their relationship?

Our answer is no. This is a number that can be endlessly and constantly changing in a relationship. There are periods when you will be the one putting far more effort into your marriage. You might be doing more at home if your partner is ill or out of work, for instance, simply showing up emotionally if they’re suffering from depression.

In an equal and happy partnership, you don’t mind picking up some of the slack for your partner because you know they would—and will—do the same for you when the tables are turned.

Don’t become fixated on numbers or perfect ratios. This can lead to a ‘keeping score’ mentality that is harmful. Instead, be aware that relationships have seasons, and give all that you can when you can.

26. Love should be a fairy tale.

Finally, my least favorite of all the relationship myths out there: that love should be a fairy tale, and that you shouldn’t settle for anything less.

Hopefully, society is moving past this notion. Relationships should be vessels of growth and beauty, but this is often messy and complex. Rarely is any part of life like a fairy tale; eradicating our expectations of a fairy tale love story is important to appreciate the true beauty of our romantic relationships.

It doesn’t matter how your story begins, either. Despite the romantic tale of the way we met, we had struggles like any other couple. I faced challenges with constant reassurance seeking and fear of losing Nathan. We both have varying degrees of anxiety that have often come into conflict. We’ have divergent energy levels and social needs. And we’ve struggled with external problems like money. This is real stuff and it’s so normal.

So, love is not a fairy tale, and it is not a myth. It’s the real parts of a love story that are so amazing.

As you continue onward in your current relationship or any future partnerships, I hope that you will always appreciate the gritty truth of love. Dive in and do the necessary work when your relationship demands it.

Give of yourself sometimes even when you’re not getting what you need in return. Put your partner first.

Express your feelings. Tell your partner how you most like to feel loved. Argue, make up, make it better. Build something long-lasting that you can be proud of. Create a history together.

And love without reservation.

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Toxic relationships are not something that anyone wants for themselves, and yet, it happens. If you’re in a toxic relationship or looking to get out of an unhealthy relationship, these toxic relationship quotes may help remind you that you are not alone.

Relationships should be a source of joy and happiness, and if yours isn’t, it might be time to take a closer look. Not every bad relationship is a toxic relationship, but as you read through these toxic relationship quotes, you’ll know which ones apply to you.

Everyone deserves happiness in their relationships, whether they are family, friend, or romantic relationships. If these toxic relationship quotes feel a little too familiar to you, then you’ll know it might be time to move on from the toxic relationships in your life.

Toxic Relationship Quotes

1. “Love should not make you feel like walking on eggshells.”― Emma Xu
2. “Don’t light yourself on fire trying to brighten someone else’s existence.”― Charlotte Eriksson
3. “Letting go of toxic people in your life is a big step in loving yourself.”— Hussein Nishah
4. “Love cannot live where there is no trust.”– Edith Hamilton
5. “If you walked away from a toxic, negative, abusive, one-sided, dead-end, low vibrational, relationship or friendship – you won.”– Lalah Delia
6. “We all have that toxic people around us that make our lives miserable… The day we take them out from our lives, we will all become better people; including them…”― Rodolfo Peon
7. “When being in a toxic relationship in life at times you may have to step outside yourself, to see yourself, so you can find yourself and love yourself again.”―Angel Moreira
8. “I seem to be torn between ‘I wish we’d met earlier’ and ‘I wish we’d never met’.”― Ahmed Mostafa
9. “We should fight for our relationships, but if fighting means ripping yourself to shreds and piggybacking all his demons, you need to leave.”― Tara Love
10. “Just because someone desires you, does not mean that he values you.”—Julianne Cantarella
11. “Oh what an ill fate it was that has made me love that man.”― Iris Murdoch
12. “Life is too short to hang around people who are causing you to compromise. Pulling you down. Your time is too valuable to waste with people who don’t have a dream. People that aren’t going anywhere. You don’t need to make some big announcements, but little by little, you should spend less time with them. ― Joel Osteen
13. “Losing will not always amount to a loss, sometimes you have to lose those toxic relationships and bad habits to create a space for better things.”― Gift Gugu Mona
14. “If there is a particular person in your life that is repeatedly choosing not to honor you and is causing you more sadness or pain than they are joy – it might be time to release that friendship back to God and trust that it is not where you belong.”– Mandy Hale
15. “Consistency is genuinely improving yourself to become a good match for those with whom you are in relationships while distancing yourself from people when their actions become too toxic.”― Dexter A. Daniels
16. “You make me feel like a firefly. Trapped in a bell jar; starved for love.”― Ayushee Ghoshal
17. “Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.”― John Mark Green
18. “A bad relationship can do that, can make you doubt everything good you ever felt about yourself.”― Dionne Warwick
19. “A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually, you will heal.”―Autumn Kohler
20. “If you’re in a relationship and all you do is cry, you need to stop and ask yourself, are you dating a human or an onion?”― Karen Salmansohn
21. “Don’t allow someone not worth it to have the power to occupy your thoughts.”― Donna Lynn Hope
22. “Just because someone is your family doesn’t mean you have to keep them around if they are toxic or abusive. Don’t let people guilt you.”― Winnie Nantongo
23. “Some people live in cages with bars built from their own fears and doubts. Some people live in cages with bars built from other people’s fears and doubts; their parents, their friends, their brothers and sisters, their families. Some people live in cages with bars built from the choices others made for them, the circumstances other people imposed upon them. And some people break free.”― C. JoyBell C.
24. “It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.”― Dr. Phil
25. “It’s amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.”― Ella Harper                                                                                                                
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26. “Oh what an ill fate it was that has made me love that man.”― Iris Murdoch
27. “Dear Self: Stop re-opening your doors for toxic people, then calling it ‘seeking closure.’ Certain things don’t work out in life… And that’s ok.”— Reyna Biddy
28. “When it comes to abuse, you believe there’s no way out. There is always help. There is always a way out.”― Rev. Donna Mulvey
29. “I know people can be awful dooms for each other.”― Iris Murdoch
30. “How you choose to feel today should not be dependent on others.”― Anthon St. Maarten
31. “Don’t settle for a relationship that won’t let you be yourself.”― Oprah Winfrey
32. “I burned my bridges so the devil couldn’t follow me.”― L.M. Browning
33. “There must come a time when your love for yourself becomes more important than your need to hold onto the pain of your past.”― Karen Salmansohn
34. “It was strange, really. A couple of months ago, I had thought I couldn’t live without him. Apparently I could.”― Gabrielle Zevin
35. “When you get out of it, you realize how toxic it actually was.”– Steve Maraboli
36. “We’ve all loved someone way too freaking much.”— Karen Salmonsohn
37. “It is better for someone to break your heart once by leaving your life, than for them to stay in your life and break your heart continually.”–Terry Mark
38. “The only way to win with a toxic partner is not to play.” – Unknown
39. “May you reach that level within, where you no longer allow your past or people with toxic intentions to negatively affect or condition you.”― Lalah Delia
40. “Do not hold your breath for anyone. Do not wish your lungs to be still. It may delay the cracks from spreading. But eventually they will. Sometimes to keep yourself together, You must allow yourself to leave. Even if breaking your own heart, Is what it takes to let you breathe.”― Erin Hanson
41. “You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue in his actions.” – Unknown
42. “Fire False Friends as early as possible. Do it before they dig out the dream seeds you’ve planted! The earlier, the better; the quicker, the safer!”―Israelmore Ayivor
43. “Forgiveness is a personal process that doesn’t depend on us having direct contact with the people who have hurt us.”― Sharon Salzberg
44. “Don’t let your loyalty become your slavery.” ― Karen Salmansohn                                              
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45. “A real relationship is two-way.”– Sophie Kinsella
46. “It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them.”– Anthony Storr
47. “Clutter is not just physical stuff. It’s old ideas, toxic relationships and bad habits. Clutter is anything that does not support your better self.”– Eleanor Brown
48. “Release the toxic and infectious spreaders of misery, souls destroying souls and poisonous liars. Awaken from the hallucinations and take back your heart. Reclaim your self-esteem and leave the toxic be.”– Giorge Leedy
49. “If you keep pretending you’re not hurt, how can you heal? True love doesn’t expect you to deny you’re in pain.”― Zara Hairston
50. “In order to reach your highest potential, it is imperative that you remove all negative people from your life.”― Germany Kent
51. “Make sure you’re not saying ‘It’s complicated’ when it’s actually TOXIC. The more words it takes you to explain your relationship, the less healthy it probably is.”― Steve Maraboli
52. “Even if toxic people are right about what is “good,” they are wrong if the approach is not healthy.”– John Lewis Lund
53. “You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them…but still move on without them.”– Mandy Hale
54. “My encouragement: delete the energy vampires from your life, clean out all complexity, build a team around you that frees you to fly, remove anything toxic, and cherish simplicity. Because that’s where genius lives.”– Robin S. Sharma
55. “Who has time for toxic relationships? If someone isn’t honoring your feelings, it’s not a real relationship. If you feel drained after spending time with someone, that’s a red flag!”– Doreen Virtue
56. “Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons.”– Travis Bradberry
57. “Don’t let Negative and Toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out.”– Zig Ziglar
58. “Know your worth and please don’t invest in toxic people or relationships, because any bond that requires servicing is not worth your time.”– Masaba Gupta
59. “Many people get into a relationship as a way to compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves. This is a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship because it makes your love conditional – you will love your partner as long as they help you feel better about yourself.”– Mark Manson
60. “He would hurt me and make the hurt my fault. So no matter who got hurt, I was to be blamed, always.”― Namrata Gupta
61. “Removing toxic people from your life can repay you in scores of holistic wealth.”― Keisha Blair
62. “Keeping bad company is like being in a germ-infested area. You never know what you’ll catch.”― Frank Sonnenberg
63. “When you are finally able to see and understand the toxicity you have been surrounding yourself with, they will do everything in their power to make you out to be the evil one.”― Christine E. Szymanski
64. “When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off.”― Shahida Arabi
65. “You don’t let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself.”– Charles Orlando
66. “Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.”— Wayne Dyer
67. “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.”―Robert Brault
68. “One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” ― Michael J. Fox
69. “Don’t judge yourself by what others did to you.”― C. Kennedy
70. “The person who doesn’t value you is blocking you from the one who will.”―Robert Tew
71. “Just say no to complicated, dead end, unhealthy, and toxic relationships.”―Stephanie Lahart
72. “You create more space in your life when you turn your excess baggage to garbage.”― Chinonye J. Chidolue
73. “At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.”― Tara Westover, Educated
74. “I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term.”― Nicholas Sparks
75. “Like arsenic, toxic people will slowly kill you. They kill your positive spirit and play with your mind and emotions. The only cure is to let them go.”— Dennisse Lisseth
76. “Staying in an unhealthy relationship that robs you of peace of mind, is not being loyal. It is choosing to hurt yourself mentally, emotionally, and sometimes, physically.”– Kemi Sogunle
77. “You’ll never be good enough for the wrong person.”― Steph Social
78. “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”― C.G. Jung
79. “There are only two kinds of people who can drain your energy: those you love, and those you fear. In both instances, it is you who let them in. They did not force their way into your aura, or pry their way into your reality experience.”―Anthon St. Maarten
80. “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”― Ernest Hemingway
81. “We can deeply love our poison. We can love the taste of it, the scent of it, the comforting weight of it in our belly and find ourselves woken in the night with stabbing cramps, arms around porcelain toilet bowls, hurling every last bit until collapsing on bathroom tile, limp from dehydration. Sometimes parting with love is essential for survival. I’ve found the most tragic aspect of losing loved ones wasn’t the big boom of the fallout, but realizing later how much healthier I was without them.”― Maggie Young
82. “When he’s the last thing you need, he’ll drain you. He’ll exhaust you. He’ll destroy you. And you won’t see it that way. In fact, you won’t notice it at all. But everyone else will.”― Kirsten Corley
83. “Toxic relationships are dangerous to your health; they will literally kill you. Stress shortens your lifespan. Even a broken heart can kill you. There is an undeniable mind-body connection. Your arguments and hateful talk can land you in the emergency room or in the morgue. You were not meant to live in a fever of anxiety; screaming yourself hoarse in a frenzy of dreadful, panicked fight-or-flight that leaves you exhausted and numb with grief. You were not meant to live like animals tearing one another to shreds. Don’t turn your hair gray. Don’t carve a roadmap of pain into the sweet wrinkles on your face. Don’t lay in the quiet with your heart pounding like a trapped, frightened creature. For your own precious and beautiful life, and for those around you — seek help or get out before it is too late. This is your wake-up call!”― Bryant McGill
84. “Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.” ― Greg Behrendt
85. “We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception.” ― Liz Tuccillo                                                                                                        
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86. “Thinking of you is a poison I drink often.” ― Atticus
87. “It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” — Daniell Koepke
88. “The wise do not consider the chains and shackles of jail to be the toughest restraints. The chains of attachment are the strongest of the ties that bind.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh
89. “Know your worth and move on.” – Unknown
90. “A broken heart bleeds tears.” — Steve Maraboli
91. “You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.” ― Greg Behrendt
92. “You will evolve past certain people. Let yourself.” – Mandy Hale
93. “You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won’t happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.’” – Joel Osteen
94. “It is far better to be alone than to be in bad company.” – George Washington
95. “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” – Deborah Reber
96. “Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You’re aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can’t be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn’t be.” – C. JoyBell C.
97. “Sometimes we must undergo hardships, breakups, and narcissistic wounds, which shatter the flattering image that we had of ourselves, in order to discover two truths: that we are not who we thought we were; and that the loss of a cherished pleasure is not necessarily the loss of true happiness and well-being.” – Jean-Yves Leloup
98. “Until you let go of all the toxic people in your life you will never be able to grow into your fullest potential. Let them go so you can grow.” – DLQ
99. “Sometimes it takes heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.” – Mandy Hale
100. “Poisonous relationships can alter our perception. You can spend many years thinking you’re worthless. But you’re not worthless. You’re underappreciated.” – Steve Maraboli
101. “The wrong person will give you less than what you’re worth but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept it.” – Sonya Parker

If you’re feeling like these toxic relationship quotes hit a little too close to home, know that you deserve a healthy relationship. It’s never too late to make moves to remove yourself from a toxic relationship, whatever kind of relationship it is. Life is too short to spend unhappy. You’ve got this!

You might also like:

• 77 Powerful Quotes about Trust in a Relationship
• How to Not Lose Yourself in a Relationship: 8 Ways to Stay True to Yourself
• 10 Common Signs You Might be Dating a Narcissist
• How to Build Trust in a Relationship (Even if it’s Broken)
• The Incredible Importance of Self Care in Marriage
• Right Person, Wrong Time: Signs You’re in a Right Person Wrong Time Situation
• 10 Common Relationship Problems (and how to fix them!)
• 15 Pieces of Bad Relationship Advice You Should Definitely Ignore
• 15 Awesome TED Talks on Relationships and Marriage

When it comes to solid, healthy relationships, things should work in a… well, in a solid, healthy way. If you find that your relationship is experiencing more confusion and lack of direction than you’d expected for how great everything else in the relationship seems to be, then you might be in a “right person wrong time” situation and should be looking for some right person, wrong time signs.

As much as most of us would love to believe that love is all you need and love will save the day and whatever other song lyric/love cliche pops into our heads, it’s just not completely true for most. A strong, sturdy, mature relationship should be healthy for both parties, and there are several things that can be happening within a person or at different life stages that can make a healthy relationship near impossible, even if everything else seems ideal.

If you’re wondering if you’re in a “right person wrong time” relationship, read on to see the top signs you’ve met the right person at the wrong time.

Right Person, Wrong Time Signs

They – or You – are Attached to Someone Else

This might seem like a no-brainer, but as anyone who has read romance novels or watched romantic comedies can attest, it is a common trope in romantic stories that the lead has fallen head over heels for the right person… but that person is with someone else. Oops. If it is meant to be, then it will be when the other relationship has finished. Great love stories don’t often begin with infidelity and betrayal, so if they (or you) are with someone else, then this is a right person, wrong time sign.

You are Physically Separated

As much as we all love to believe that our long-distance relationship will be different from all others that came before, the reality is that most long-distance relationships don’t last very long. If you and your love are thousands of miles apart for the foreseeable future, ie there are no immediate plans to move closer to each other, then it is not likely that this is the perfect relationship for either one of you. When it comes to signs you’ve met the right person at the wrong time, this is a big one.

Your Dreams aren’t Compatible

In a healthy relationship, both parties should be able to work towards their own individual dreams in addition to any shared couple dreams. If your dream requires you live and work in another country and your partner’s dream requires they stay where they are, then you might find that no matter how much you love each other, the only way to make your relationship work in the moment would be for someone to give up on their dream. If a relationship requires someone to give up their dream, then this is likely a sign they are the right person, wrong time.

There is Unresolved Trauma

Everyone has to do their own work when it comes to resolving trauma and pursuing mental health, so even in the most loving relationships, if there is unresolved trauma, it will likely cause Big Issues for the couple. For example, survivors of domestic violence often need a lot of therapy and self-work to clear the trauma of their abuse and move forward in healthy relationships. You could be absolutely perfect together, but if there is unresolved trauma that needs to be worked through, then it isn’t the right time and space should be given for the important work that needs to be done.

You Have Conflicting Goals

You could meet the person of your dreams, but if they are itching to start a family and you have no desire to have kids, then it’s not meant to be at the moment. This is one of the biggest signs you’ve met the right person at the wrong time because for most people, it is an insurmountable difference on both sides. Conflicting goals like this will require one person giving in to the other, and that is the perfect recipe for contempt, resentment, and eventual messy separation.

Major Life Events are Happening

This can be a right person wrong time sign because if one or both of you are experiencing major life events that are changing you and the life you lead in significant ways, then being able to focus on a relationship and creating a shared life together is going to be very, very difficult. Waiting until the dust settles allows you and them to gauge how you fit together without the dramatic life changes, and see if the relationship is still appealing without all the extra excitement.

There’s a Significant Age Gap

This can be one of the most obvious right person wrong time signs because it is often easily apparent to others looking from the outside in, too. For example, a 20 year old and a 40 year old will have very different life goals and interests, and this can often be a roadblock that is impassable. However, in 20 years when the age gap is between a 40 year old and a 60 year old, there may be less of a dramatic difference in life goals and interests, making a strong and sturdy relationship possible.

 External Pressures are Strong

You might have met the right person at the wrong time if you find that one or both of you have strong external pressures affecting your life – like children from a previous relationship or caring for a sick parent – that hinder your ability to fully commit to a new relationship. You might be quickly falling for this new person, but if your life is full of pre-existing pressures and commitments that trump a new romance, it will not be the right time to develop a new relationship. In life, timing is often everything.

What to Do if You’ve Met the Right Person at the Wrong Time

The number one thing to remember if you’ve met the right person at the wrong time is that if you have to force a relationship, it is no longer “right.” So if any of these right person, wrong time signs apply to you and your relationship, ignoring them and moving ahead anyway is likely to only cause friction in the relationship.

The strongest, happiest relationships are ones that aren’t forced. If it feels like all of the odds are stacked against you and one or both of you will have to give up the things that mean the most to you to make the relationship work, then chances are that resentment and a fiery demise of the relationship is soon to follow. 

Life is long and just because you’ve met the right person at the wrong time doesn’t mean that you won’t find your way to each other again. In fact, isn’t that a romantic tale in an and of itself? Lovers separated for years and years who never forgot each other, only to find themselves in each other’s paths again one day? 

Don’t cut your own potential romantic love story short by trying to force a relationship with the right person at the wrong time. Let it go and if it’s meant to be, one day you’ll find the right person again… at the right time.

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Are you feeling concerned about the state of your marriage and wondering how to improve the health of your relationship? Some of the signs of an unhappy marriage fly under the radar and can take you by surprise, so watching out for signs of marital discord can help you take any issues in stride so you can move toward fixing them in a healthy, productive manner.

If you’re already noticing these signs and wondering what to do about an unhappy marriage, it’s okay. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of course correction, and you’re in the right place because we are going to lay out some of the top signs of an unhappy marriage and what to do about it here.

Signs of an Unhappy Marriage

Irritation

Are you irritated by each other’s presence? This is one of those early signs of unhappy marriage that can seem like it’s not a big deal, and it isn’t… but what it leads to is. This might be something like all of a sudden feeling annoyed at the sounds your spouse makes when they eat, or the way they tell that one story about that one time and oh my if you have to hear them tell it one more time, you’re going to absolutely lose it! If you let this continue, it can lead to contempt, and that is a major destroyer of relationships.

Less or No Intimacy

A strong indicator of unhappy marriages is lack of intimacy. This doesn’t just mean sex and physical affection, either, this is also an emotional and mental intimacy. Do you not care about your husband/wife’s inner thoughts? Do you not really mind if they don’t tell you how work was today? Every relationship goes through lulls, but if you and your spouse have had a break in intimacy that is physical, mental, and/or emotional and there’s no outside reason for it (sometimes grief and other big life changes can disrupt intimacy in relationships), then it might indicate an unhealthy marriage.

Avoidance

If you and/or your spouse actively look for ways to avoid spending time together, this is probably a sign that your marriage is unhappy. If it were a happy marriage, you’d want to be together, too! It’s important to have lives and friendships outside of the marriage, but if you find that your world beyond your spouse is preferable to the world you’ve created with your spouse, then it’s very likely you have an unhappy marriage you want to escape from.

Criticism

A healthy relationship is one in which grievances can be brought up without being confused as criticism, but if it is now the case that you criticize each other rather than problem-solve together, your marriage is probably unhappy. It’s usually a good standard to try to make sure there aren’t more criticisms than compliments in any relationship, so if you or your spouse are overly critical, the marriage will be unhealthy.

Feeling Misunderstood

One of the most beautiful parts of a healthy, loving relationship is feeling understood and seen by another person, so when this part flips and you feel like your spouse no longer understands you or misinterprets you and your actions often, this can be highly distressing. Feeling misunderstood is an unhealthy marriage trait.

Apathy

On the opposite end of the spectrum from irritation is apathy, and if you and your spouse are completely unaffected by each other, this is often a red flag that your unhappy marriage is near its end. If you and your spouse have moved beyond having any feelings at all toward each other, this is a major indicator of an unhappy marriage headed toward divorce.

Abuse

Any kind of abusive behavior – mental, emotional, physical, sexual – is never okay and should not be tolerated. If you have any kind of abuse in your marriage, the marriage is unhealthy, unsafe, and yes, typically unhappy. No one deserves to be abused; it is important that you prioritize health and safety over wedding vows, always. 

Adultery

Adultery is a tough one because it is one of the most devastating signs of an unhappy marriage, especially if the person being cheated on was still relatively happy in the marriage. If your marriage is unhappy and you are trying to make yourself feel better by looking outside the marriage, then you have to recognize that you are only compounding the unhappiness of the marriage by betraying your spouse.

Researching/Considering Divorce

This is one of the most obvious signs of an unhappy marriage, of course. If your marriage has lost fulfilment and happiness and you have lost the desire to try to bring it back, then researching divorce is probably where you’re at. Similar to apathy where a person just stops caring, divorce means there’s no interest left in doing the work to improve the marriage.

How to Fix an Unhappy Marriage

Be Honest

Step number one in how to fix an unhappy marriage is always being honest with your spouse. You have to be able to acknowledge there is an issue before you can get to the serious work of fixing the issue, right? If it is you that is feeling unhappy in the marriage and you’re unsure if your spouse feels the same, be sure to preface the first talk by acknowledging that this is how you feel right now, and you want it to get better.

Remember to use your I Statements to keep the focus on how you are feeling vs on your partner’s actions, and brush up on your relationship listening skills, too.

Be Open

Being open is an important part of honest communication; you and your partner both need to be open and receptive to how the other is feeling in the marriage, even if its difficult to hear the person you’ve married tell you they are unhappy married to you! Focus on understanding the other’s point of view before rushing to explain your own. This helps you to stay open to hearing what is being said vs focusing on how you will respond.

Reconnect

Sometimes it’s as simple as reconnecting with your spouse on an individual level. What drew you together in the first place? What did you find so attractive about them? Maintaining connection in a relationship is an ongoing task, so if that’s been neglected, focusing on connection might be just what you and your spouse need to do about your unhappy marriage!

Seek Therapy

There is just no substitute for professional help when it comes to heavy issues that need navigating, and fixing an unhappy marriage is a pretty heavy issue, right? Find a good couples counselor near you so you can work with a neutral third party who is able to help you two work out what your issues are and give you guidance on where to go from here. If your spouse isn’t open to couples therapy, seek therapy for yourself; you deserve it.

Allow Space

Sometimes it is the case that two people, no matter how well-intentioned and loving they have been towards each other, grow apart. This isn’t an indictment of either person or an indicator of how much love they once had – or maybe even still have – together, but just the reality of life and growth. If this is the case, allowing space for the two of you to consider if you want to work on improving the marriage or if you want to make steps to move on is a beautiful act of love on both your parts. If a marriage is unhealthy and unhappy, then binding someone to it against their will is not loving. 

Final Thoughts about Unhappy Marriages

If you are in an unhappy marriage with no interest in fixing it, that is okay. Sometimes separation and divorce is the most loving step a couple can take when the marriage has become unhealthy and unhappy, and there is no reason to view this as a failure. No one should feel trapped in a marriage that is unhealthy, unhappy, abusive, and/or unfulfilling. Marriage should be a beautiful choice you make every day, not a sad settling that requires you to ignore your true feelings.

Ultimately, the only two people that truly know the state of a marriage are the two people in the marriage. If your marriage doesn’t feel safe and loving – physically, mentally, and emotionally – then this might be a sign that your unhappy marriage is nearing its end, and we wish you well on your journey always.

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Relationships are beautiful. Sometimes things seem easy, but eventually, life gets busy, people grow and learn and change, and sometimes the plot twists seem to come out of nowhere, and that’s when you might need to know how to fall back in love with your partner again.

All relationships require maintenance, but in the everyday drama of life, this can sometimes be the last thing on our minds. It’s not necessarily that we fall out of love with each other, it’s often more that we’ve forgotten to invest in each other. We’ve forgotten that relationships aren’t “set it and forget it,” right?

Speaking from 10+ years of marriage, I can tell you that long-term relationships require effort! If you’re willing to put in the work, the very, very, meaningful work, you can fall back in love with your partner over and over again for the rest of your shared life. 

Ready to dive in and fall back in love? Let’s do this!

Be Realistic

The first thing is to recognize that just because the Hot & Heavy, Thoughts On Fire, Completely Consumed By Your Person brand of love has cooled off a bit does not necessarily mean that you’ve “fallen out of love” with each other. It’s a part of the normal evolution of a long-term relationship for some of that intensity to cool off as you settle into a comfortable rhythm with each other!

If you are simply not feeling as “on fire” as you were in the beginning, there are ways to spice things back up again! Maybe it’s firing out some flirty texts to your person throughout the day, indulging in some fun new sexy time accessories, or even planning an epic romantic getaway to rekindle the spark between you two, but you can find those fiery moments again with a little concerted effort.

Re-Connect

Here’s the thing: life is busy, things come up that demand our attention, and it’s all too easy to take our connection with our significant other for granted, especially after we’ve settled into a comfortable routine in our relationship. 

I’ve written about how to maintain connection in long-term relationships, but the basic gist is in the intentionality of it. In setting aside time for purposeful play together, intimacy, date nights, whatever it is, it’s the intentional time spent together that really pays off. There’s a difference between grabbing lunch together when your schedules happen to intersect and clearing the calendar to go out together to share an experience. If you’ve got kids (as my husband and I do!) this becomes even more crucial. We all want to feel worth each other’s time.

Introduce Novelty

It’s only natural that after so many years together, a relationship can become a little predictable. When that happens, it can feel like that loving spark has faded, but you can rekindle it by introducing some novelty back into your lives!

This will look different for every couple, but it could be as simple as introducing some fun new items/experiences in the boudoir or planning an unexpected date night that is adventurous or challenging, like an adrenaline-inducing skydiving experience or a charming weekend getaway spent on an exotic beach somewhere. Create a couple’s bucket list together and then start working your way through it… sharing new experiences is an excellent way to find yourself falling back in love with your partner!

Celebrate Growth

I believe the purpose of life is growth, and people grow individually and couples grow as a unit. Every one of us wants to feel seen by the people we love the most, but sometimes it can be hard to separate our shared history from our present, and no one wants to feel like their efforts have gone unnoticed. This is when it’s helpful to acknowledge growth.

Let your partner know that you notice their growth, “just a few years ago, you probably wouldn’t have believed it if someone had told you that you would be where you are right now in your career. You’re kicking butt, babe, I’m really proud of you.” Do this within the partnership too, “I’m actually really proud of us for handling X the way we did; just a few years back, I don’t know if we would have made it through that. It was hard, but we did it!” You’re either growing together or growing apart, so celebrate your growth journeys to remain on the same team.

Get Away Together

Want to fall back in love with your partner? Go on a trip somewhere new to the both of you! Traveling to new places is a novel experience that promotes excitement, but it also brings the two of you together because it’s the two of you against the world! Okay, maybe not “against,” but it promotes all those warm and fuzzy feelings of camaraderie that we get from partnerships.

There are many reasons why couples’ travel bolsters relationships, but one of the coolest is the positive effect it can have on our sex lives! It’s true, getting away somewhere new together can improve intimacy and promote feelings of closeness and togetherness. If you’re looking for ways to fall back in love with your spouse, traveling together is a fun one… how about a romantic stargazing trip?

Adjust Your Point of View

In the early days, you might have gushed on and on to a friend about all the beautiful little nuances of your person and what makes them special, but as the years move on, we get used to them and these things we used to adore can fade into the background. Consider making a Reasons Why I Love You list for your partner so you can remind yourself of all of the reasons why you fell in love in the first place!

Try to see them through the eyes of a stranger: are they hardworking? Are they thoughtful? Are they charming? Are they funny? Reminding yourself of all of the fantastic things about them that probably drew you towards them is a great step towards falling back in love with your partner.

Fall Back in Love with Play

It happens to all of us. Life gets busy and we get stressed and play can be the first thing that falls away, but it shouldn’t! Couples that play together, stay together, with couples that are more playful reporting higher levels of satisfaction within the relationship and increased feelings of closeness.

Being playful and having fun experiences together promotes the production of all those feel-good hormones like oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone,” too, and gives you the opportunity to associate your person with all those happy feelings again. Want to fall back in love? Play more with your partner, whether it’s something structured like video games or ultimate frisbee, or just having fun goofing around together while doing household chores!

See a Professional

I’m Team Therapy all the way. I go to a professional mechanic when my car needs some attention, I go to a licensed cosmetologist when my hair needs some attention, and my husband and I have absolutely gone to a marriage counselor when our relationship has needed some professional guidance! There is so much value in working with a neutral third party who can help you both see potential blind spots.

Therapy is amazing for relationships because they have seen it all, heard it all, or learned about it all, and can offer you personalized tips and guidance as you two sort through what needs sorting. Couples counseling doesn’t mean your relationship is failing, it means you care enough about your relationship to get the professional help it might need. I think it’s a credit to the importance of our relationships when we give them the support and nurturing they deserve!

Go with the Flow

Every relationship goes through natural seasons. There might be a season where all-nighters mean lingerie and sexy music and a season where all-nighters mean burp cloths and diaper blowouts. A season where work is the least important thing to either one of you because all that matters is squeezing in as much time together as you possibly can and a season where work is very important to both of you because what matters now is capitalizing on that 401k match for your future.

Life has its ups, its downs, and its seasons. I think it’s okay to focus attention elsewhere for a while as long as you and your partner remain united in your common goal, whether that’s raising your baby, working towards financial freedom in the future, or whatever; as long as you’re on the same team, go with the flow and you’ll find your way back to each other again.

Ultimately, if you are feeling as if you have truly fallen out of love with your person, you will need to determine what that means to you. Does that mean it’s time to part ways and look for love elsewhere, or are you okay with the relationship as it stands? Does it still serve you or is it holding you back?

I think there are many ebbs and flows in loving feelings in a relationship, but everyone has their own personal standards for what their relationships must feel like for them, and that should always be honored, even if it means hard choices.

Wherever your journey of love is leading you, I hope it leads you to fulfillment and happiness, with a whole lotta laughs along the way!

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Opposites really do attract, don’t they? If you’re an extrovert and your favorite person is an introvert, you might be looking for information about dating an introvert to learn how to be more supportive in your relationship.

That’s great; you’ve come to the right place! Learning more about dating an introvert is going to be especially helpful for you if you’re a full-blown extrovert, the type of person who loves and is energized by social interactions.  Taking the time to learn more about dating an introvert will be appreciated by your favorite introvert, for sure!

What Being Introverted Really Means

Being introverted doesn’t necessarily mean that you hate all large social groups and gatherings, or that you always prefer one-on-one activities and never feel like going to parties. Most of us are a mix of extroverted and introverted, with people who lean more towards the introverted side tending to need more recovery time after social interactions and activities and more prep time before.

Learning more about how to be a better partner to your introverted significant other will benefit both of you!

Tips for Dating an Introvert

1) Ask what they need

Don’t wait for them to tell you they need space, ask them how often they like to have alone time, and check in often, asking how they’re feeling.

2) Don’t take their need for solitude personally

Introverts commonly feel depleted after a lot of social interaction, even if it’s just one-on-one with the person they love! Show your support by understanding time alone for them isn’t about time away from you, it’s time for themselves to recharge.

3) Plan dates that work for them

Perhaps your person might be more comfortable going out for coffee rather than going out for a drink in a crowded bar, or going for a hike rather than walking through a shopping mall. Ask for their feedback and take it seriously!

4) Give plenty of warning before a social activity

If you’d like to invite them to a friend’s party, give plenty of notice so they can mentally prepare for it. Surprise social engagements aren’t typically a favorite of introverts.

5) Make space for them in the conversation

Sometimes extroverts can take an introvert’s quieter, slower pace of sharing and speaking as a cue to talk more, but introverts have plenty to share too, as long as there’s space for it! Make an effort to ask thoughtful questions and give space for the answers.

6) Be ready to compromise

For some extrovert/introvert couples, this might look like trading off on date night ideas: one night is the extrovert’s ideal date, one night is the introvert’s ideal date. It also might look like making arrangements for dates where you know you (the extrovert) will probably want to stay longer, so maybe you decide in advance that an uber will be called to take the introvert home when they’re done so the extrovert can stay and fill their cup, too.

7) Don’t try to force them into social situations they are uncomfortable with

Introversion isn’t the same thing as social anxiety or being shy, and an introverted person won’t just “get used to” the same level of social activity that an extroverted person prefers. Relationships require accepting who we are. If you’re trying to change someone, they are not the person for you.

As the relationship progresses and you get to know each other better, you and your significant other will likely find a great rhythm for your relationship. Extroverts often find that they begin to value the quieter, slower-paced activities and times of connection more because of their introverted partner, and introverted partners often find that they enjoy more group social interactions when they have their extrovert partner there to support them.

Some extrovert/introvert couples use a preset “excuse,” code word, or even just a look that can be given when out in public so the introvert can subtly let the extrovert know they need some time to recharge.

You can also learn how to better communicate your feelings for each other by learning what your love languages are, too. Just by reaching out to learn more about dating an introvert, it is likely you and yours will eventually hit your ideal rhythm and your relationship will be all the stronger for the efforts made by both of you to show up as supportive, helpful partners for each other.

 

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